bones

what these words mean

Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.


i have this on full blast at the moment ^
i quite like it

this isn't about wiz, this isn't about how my day was.
this is about lifestyle, how you chose to spend every waking hour of your day and why.
this is about what i've discovered the past week or so and how i almost feel changed because of it.
this is the end of a mindless girl just getting by and finally living.

if you don't like weird psychological things then you can probably stop reading now. if you're interested then go ahead on.

let me say first that i will probably not be blogging anymore after this. i may do little things from time to time, but i figured since so many of you guys look up to me that i deserve to give you all an explanation.

there are a few certain facts that are important to know before i say anything else:
- the amount of time i spend thinking about things is probably 80-90% more than most people. i'm a very insightful person and enjoy dwelling on the "hows" and "whys" of something deep rather than what i'm going to eat for dinner tonight.
- i also think reality is horribly boring.
- i have to be doing something constantly or i go insane.

i don't know how this started, maybe it was because of the beginning of the semester or because i got older or what. but something about my brain finally just clicked right into place and i'm completely at peace with myself.
i haven't done much since i stopped blogging. i've been watching a lot of movies and listening to music mostly. from time to time i'll browse tumblr or talk to someone on *****.

but most of my time is spent thinking. not thinking about problems, or weird "how the world works" stuff but more like..
observing how my brain works, understanding why i enjoy thinking about things, and realizing that my actions are based off of something i didn't really know i had in me.
ever since i can remember i've always hated.. not the living part of life, but the culture i grow up in. i can't stand being around my peers more than an average school day. theyre all so absentminded about important things and that bothers me. so because of that i tend to come home and lock myself in my room for the rest of the day and dive into something i know won't disappoint me; my own thoughts.
that's where the reality is boring thing comes in. i daydream a lot to say the least. because of that i had a negative look on life for a while because i kept thinking
"why can't life be like a book or a movie"
then i watched the perks of being a wallflower, which lead to 500 days of summer, which lead to the art of getting by.
and i just sat there.
and i was like.
THIS is life. this is living. not all those fairytales. this is a real story, with a real ending.
and to be completely honest, they were the best endings i've ever seen. there was no sugarcoating. it was blunt and honest and i loved it.
that's when my brain finally clicked. i suddenly just got really at peace with myself and i don't really worry about things anymore.
it's like meditation almost, without the effort and without the silence.

i learned what i wanted out of life, and how i would get there. i learned that there were things i wanted that i didn't think would come so soon.
i literally can't even explain the feeling.
it's like you're floating on clouds, no one there to catch you if you fall but the completely euphoric feeling of knowing that you can't.

i probably sounds like a raging lunatic or something, but it's literally so unbelievable.
with that being said, the past week or so that i've been absent i've learned the follwing:
- before the school year ends i want to be baptized again. i've grown up a baptist and i was baptized through choice when i was 8 years old. i wasn't really old enough to understand then. and i just sorta feel like now it a really good time to reclaim my faith and take that extra leap back into God's world.
- i want to do more missionary work. i'm a shy person and strangers are something i don't enjoy but i did missions work over the summer last year in Miami at a summer camp for kids in poverty. at the same time i was there, a couple days in i got a text from my dad saying that my grandma had a stroke. to say the least i was an emotional wreck and there was this one little girl (one of the toughest of the group) who saw me crying about it and stayed by my side for the rest of the week. i hope to revisit the camp in the summer hopefully and take part in another mission trip before college.
- the personal blog i make i want to be about my spiritual and personal journey than just how my day was. i enjoy helping people. i like putting others feelings and needs before my own and i think i've experienced quite enough to help others with their own problems.
- i want to share my story in front on my church.. which would be hard because i'm extremely emotional and cry a lot but it's something i've always sorta wanted to do.

those are just the few important things i learned but yea.

i encourage anyone who struggles with problems at home or problems at school or just anything in general to just sit down at the end of the day and just think.
even if it's the most boring thing in the world to you, try it. think about things you want to happen, dive into your subconscious and ask yourself what you want.

so basically the reason i won't be blogging anymore is just because i finally found something better.

living.

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Comments

  1. Astraes's Avatar
    I don't know why I did so, but this blog entry actually caused me to nonetheless, tear up a bit. My mom looked weird at me because here I am, just sobbing in my living room. xP Maybe it's because like you, I'm a major thinker. During reading this, I thought back and looked up upon my own life and what I'm doing with it. So it took like..10 minutes for me to actually read this. xD When I first saw the picture on Tumblr [the one about stopping my blog and actually getting out and living] I automatically got offended because y'know, blogging is seriously one of my major joys in life. Now that I read this, it's really an eye opener as to what I could be doing out in the world. I could be living, and hanging out with friends, having experiences, and whatnot. Yet here I sit.
    Cassie, I want you to know, even if we do ever get disconnected [via *****, Central, Wiz] and whatnot, remember I'm always here..and my ***** name. Just in case.
    I respect any decision you choose to make and best of wanderlust to your future wanders and wherever God may bring you. You've become somebody.
    Updated 2-8-13 at 10:43:25 PM by Astraes
  2. Infinite's Avatar
    This actually makes a lot of sense. Although I don't know you well, I'm happy for you, and wish you the best .

    Also, there are many interesting philosophical songs I listen to. My friends think they are just pure boring. But they are really eye opening for me and give me inner peace. Music is a huge part of my life. So I can kind of relate to you when you say that you feel peace.

    Again, I wish you the best, friend.
  3. Allyy's Avatar
    Hello,
    I know I don't really know you, but I don't really consider that I reason to not say the words that came to mind when I read this.
    Firstly, I can tell that you're a very deep thinker, just like me. Thinking is great, just don't forget to stop thinking sometimes or else you might overthink, which can create problems that never were really there. (You may already know this, so if I'm telling you things you already know, I'm sorry x_x)
    As to not liking your peers, I'm not really sure what grade you're in, and I doubt you're able to say it on here. If my guess is wrong, then sorry, but what you said sounds like me a few years ago. Let's just say I'm almost done with my high school experience. You are wise beyond your years, and your peers are not. But trust me, you'll find someone who thinks like you. I don't know when, and I don't know where, but you will.
    The last thing I wanted to say was that I wouldn't literally decide to not blog anymore. I tried to just completely quit Wiz101 last year before I wanted to, and it didn't work out well. I ended up quitting a few months after that when I got really busy with my own life. I didn't try to quit, it just happened. Nowadays, I call myself "Retired," but I still get on this site and if I ever figure out how to download the game on this OS, I'll get on the game some. So, if you're trying to quit because you really want to, then that's okay, but my advice would be to not force it.

    To conclude my extremely long comment, I believe that you're a talented writer, so whether you keep up this blog or not, I think you should keep writing.
    And maybe you didn't want to hear any of my advice; I'm very sorry if that's true.
    I want to apologize for any assumptions I made in this post -- but when that many words come to me by reading a post, I feel like I can't just let them go.
    Thanks for reading this if you made it through. If you do end up leaving, then maybe we can chat sometime if you come back.
    ~Ally
    Updated 2-10-13 at 11:04:57 AM by Allyy
  4. Adder's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Allyy
    Hello,
    I know I don't really know you, but I don't really consider that I reason to not say the words that came to mind when I read this.
    (insert lots of words here)...
    ~Ally
    I'm 18 if that answers your question xP Ever since middle school I haven't liked being around kids my age unless they show an over the top amount of maturity when I first talk to them or at least have some grasp on the phrase "having a social status is not going to matter once you're out of high school."
    And I'm not quitting Wiz 100% yet. I have before in the past for a couple months but ended up coming back. To be honest I really only spend time on the computer because it's a way to pass time easily. Once I move to into a dorm room I plan on getting out more xD Plus there's some friends on here I don't think I could leave that easily.
    But thank you for what you said(: It means a lot.
  5. Allyy's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Whim
    I'm 18 if that answers your question xP Ever since middle school I haven't liked being around kids my age unless they show an over the top amount of maturity when I first talk to them or at least have some grasp on the phrase "having a social status is not going to matter once you're out of high school."
    And I'm not quitting Wiz 100% yet. I have before in the past for a couple months but ended up coming back. To be honest I really only spend time on the computer because it's a way to pass time easily. Once I move to into a dorm room I plan on getting out more xD Plus there's some friends on here I don't think I could leave that easily.
    But thank you for what you said(: It means a lot.
    I'm the same way. I was lucky enough to find 3 friends who are at my maturity level, but as for everyone else I talk to, I definitely couldn't stand to talk to them outside of school. That's why I go on the computer now too. And same about the dorm room, too. Hehe
    You're welcome, I'm glad it means something!